What Would He Say

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Image by FullRizqi from Shutterstock https://goo.gl/5zPejy

When the thoughts about cutting herself or hurting herself started coming back to her, Jane knew that something was wrong.

‘Damn! Not this again!’ she thought to herself.

She laid on her back on her bed, one that she hated, and tried to cry, but she couldn’t it. Days earlier, she had thought about the last time she cried yet she couldn’t quite remember.

The last time she had tried to cry was in 2012, it was supposed to be the worst day of her life, yet she could not shed a tear. Since that day she was never able to. Since that day she also withdrew herself. She learnt to build her walls high, when someone broke them down, she would with time push them out and build them higher.

She lay in her bed thinking that something must have been wrong with her for having not cried in her times of need and despair. Years ago, all her days had been defined by tears. She had been bullied for so long, and she tried to get over it, but she did not. Instead, she started to hurt herself and the permanent solutions to end things she seemed to look for never worked.

She knew it was all over, until he came into her life. The boy that years before had taught her to keep it to herself when she had feelings for someone. She remembered well why; Jane had mentioned to her ‘friend’ that she had a crush on him, Kyle. The friend went and told everyone in their class. He found out, and he said some mean things, he was embarrassed that the freak had a crush on him.

Years later, they started talking, and ironically, he became a cure to her depression and her feelings of harm. He taught her what love was. He told her that she was beautiful… a word that had become foreign to her. He was the only person who saw right through her just by looking at her. He was the only person, who knew how she felt by the first word she said when they spoke through the phone. He was the only person who could see right behind that fake smile she wore everyday. He was the only one who noticed how good she had learnt to hold her tears. Then after many years, he just walked away.

Yet today Jane wished that Kyle could be here for her. She could not have held up all the pain she had inside. She could have let out all those tears she had held back for five years.

At this very moment she felt like a failure. She wasn’t able to get a job. She felt like the most stupid person on the face of the earth. The confidence she had built over the years had been shattered within months like broken china. She read, she listened to music, she read books, she talked to people, yet it never helped. Confidence was a work of art she needed to re-build and she knew that it took ages to do this.

Jane was certain that if Kyle was here, he would have the right words, he would have helped when she began to crumble into pieces. But he had left, she had let him leave, she had not fought. He was the person she thought about every single night, his memories were the reason she would stay awake in the middle of the night. One night she wished she could forget him, like he was never in her life, until she realized that without him images of her childhood would be nothing but darkness.

She held out her hand into the clear air, wishing that his were there to hold hers, knowing too well they were not. Then she tried to convince herself to think about what what Kyle would have told her when she felt like her life was a nightmare. Deep down inside she knew it did not matter, especially because he was not there. His memories were all she had, hope was all she held on to, hoping that one day they could meet, talk about why they grew apart, and forgive each other.

 

 

‘Friends’

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They first asses you,

When they think you are stupid they befriend you

 

They pretend to care about you,

But once in a while you clearly see that they disespect you

 

When the time comes,

They stab you in the back

 

They then turn you around,

Look you in the face,

And they pierce the knife right through your heart

 

Finally,

They laugh as they watch you fall apart

Special One

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A man once told her,

That he loved her

 

Once an enemy,

He later turned out to be her guardian angel

 

He knew her mood,

By her ‘hello’ on the phone

 

His presence,

Was enough to make her know that it would be alright

 

He said that he saw the tears in her heart,

And the joy in her eyes

 

He said that he saw the pain in her past,

And the struggle in her present

 

He said that he longed to touch and kiss her,

But he went away

 

He taught her what love should be,

He made her hold on to him as a memory,

And she wondered if he did the same

 

She wishes he were still her,

To wipe her tears without his touch,

And to hold her hand without him being in her presence

 

Everyday she wakes up,

Is a reminder that he went away,

 

She still remains grateful for the lesson he taught her,

Knowing what love is

 

 

 

You Pushed me to Fall

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You pushed me to fall,

But I never did

 

You pushed harder,

But I always survived

 

With every push,

Happiness was all over your face

 

You wanted it to be the end of me,

Not because I did anything wrong,

Simply because of your own personal issues

 

You pushed me to fall,

Yet you couldn’t handle the same being done to you

 

You pushed me to fall,

Simply because you feared that I was stronger

… and I was

 

You pushed me to fall,

Hoping that one day I’ll try to push you too

… and I never did

 

You pushed me to fall,

But all I did was land in calm waters

 

You pushed me to fall,

But I fought the rough edges and the strong waters,

 

You pushed me to fall,

But I ended up in peaceful shores

 

You pushed me to fall,

But every time I survived,

I opened my eyes,

Ready to fight another day

 

You still push me to fall,

But let it stay clear,

That you will never get what you want from me

 

 

His New Friend

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His new friend,

Is her new source of worry

 

He describes him as he hears him describe himself,

Quite the macho man,

But he is very normal,

Just overconfident

 

They hang out together quite often,

Confide in each other at times

 

But most of the times,

He tries to divert him

 

‘Can you cheat on her?’,

He asks

 

While in the bar,

And they spot a hot girl,

‘Can you sleep with her, just for today?’

He asks

 

While they hang out,

‘Suppose you make more money,

Will you leave her for a better girl?’

He asks

 

Although he tells her all these,

And says that he would never,

It is quite clear that he is fond of him.

 

And once a girl has been hurt,

She has to proceed with caution,

And that is why his new friend,

Is a big source of worry…

Scared

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Scared,

Of the world

 

Scared,

Of herself

 

Hiding,

She doesn’t want people to know

… who ‘she really is’

 

Lying,

Because she believes,

She has to protect herself

 

Then she meets people,

Who really care,

And the fear fades,

And feels like she’s at peace

 

 

 

Take Your Time

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Take your time,

Before entering into relationships,

With friends,

Or with lovers

 

No one has to rush you,

To jump into their bed,

To break your hymen,

Or to spend a fortune on them

 

Just because they seem nice,

It does not mean they are,

They just may be nothing more,

But liars and manipulators

 

Don’t rush into relationships,

Value what you have at the moment,

Including yourself,

And those around you that you know well enough

 

Listen to your instinct,

It never lies,

Unlike words out of a human’s mouth,

Don’t rush,

…take your time