She hid her sorrow behind her laughter,
Her pain behind her smile,
Her lonliness by spending time with others
I always thought that I knew who I was when I was younger but now things seem to be different since I lost touch with my past and things around me changed. My past is full of memories of being bullied and looked down upon so I usually turned to religion and motivational books and quotes as I kept pretty much of what went on to myself. I came from being an achiever to an under-performer as I spent most of my time thinking of how I could hide.
Then years passed and things changed and it was no longer about hiding but different things which I did not even know. I did not know much about what I liked, hated or wanted. I focused on doing well in school, it worked , at times I got bored so I became average and at times being at the top was easy. At other times I lost touch with academics.
Outside, I tried partying but it wasn’t quite my thing.b Then I focused more on my attributes of introversion and felt like I somehow knew myself. Then a recent break up led me to question myself. The guy liked parks and I tried visiting some and suddenly I liked them. I started questioning myself. If someone criticized an artist or just someone that I liked I would suddenly criticize them. If someone suggested something and I found it boring, I would push myself to finish it.
With this I felt like I needed a stand. I felt that I was more sure of my dreams and who I was when I was a kid. Then to my blog name ‘Soy Doreen (I am Doreen) which I ironically chose to define me and to help me revamp my passion for poetry… yet I always write because someone made me feel a certain way. I therefore realized that I need to dedicate time to finding myself and doing things that give me satisfaction rather than those that I just seem to be doing for the sake of doing them or because the opportunities are there. One thing that I am however sure of is that my ultimate goal is to be happy and to be happy I must know myself well enough.