Change

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They’ll never change

When you ask them to

They’ll only change

When they want to

 

You’ve been in pain for too long

You’ve shed tears when you should be forming smiles

You should know

They’ll never change

Just because you want them to

 

You feel like you’ve given so much of yourself

Turning back would be a waste

Yet you know that staying

Will make you endure pain

You don’t want to believe

That they’ll never change

 

Remember when they acted different

It was just for a few days or weeks

Just to give you an illusion

It wasn’t change

It was an act

 

It’s time you wiped off the tears

It’s time you became happy

It’s time you moved past the sad music

It’s time you saw the reality

 

It’s time you moved on

It’s time you began living a life

That’s out of their trap

The truth is that they’ll simply never change

Just because you want them to

Gender

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So I thought I’d post something about International Women’s Day since I’ve been passionate about women’s issue since last year.

At first I was looking for a topic which I wanted to have ‘woman’ in it but I settled for gender since it is a more inclusive term. Then as I look for pictures of women I get lots of sexual images and decide to put a logo and I rule out the pink one since it seems like it overlooks, and there was only one pink picture which goes to show that times are changing.

I grew up attending Christian schools which pretty much gave me a background of who a woman should be. One of my teachers told me that a real woman does what she wants to do. Nonetheless, what particularly stood out was that a woman should be a virgin till marriage and should be submissive. Submission was mostly explained to me as doing what the man wanted you to do, doing everything for him and of course cooking for him. If I was submissive, he would love me, and I would have the perfect marriage. This is what I was taught for most of my life and I never really though about it, until I joined high school.

In high school I also studied in a Christian School but I was taught more about spirituality. No one ever preached about being a good woman. As I would later come to realize my foundation of what was expected from a woman wasn’t really applied. Especially on what had been emphasized on a lot, which was virginity.

When I joined the university, gender issues weren’t exactly my area of interest until something happened to me. I sought help but did not really get it until I took a course on gender then my healing began and I began to be more aware on gender issues.

As I opened my eyes, I realized that society really expected me to behave in a certain way as a woman. The emphasis here was on dressing, submissiveness and being more in the domestic sphere. Talking about sex gives one the impression that you are a whore.

On social  media, the sexual life of the woman is a big deal, the issue of nudes and exposing how many guys a girl has slept with.

One thing that has however stood out for me is that society expects me as a woman to be at home and the man can be anywhere. It expects me to look like a certain singer or actress yet it will hate when I have layers of make up on. It will want me to have long hair but hates it when I put artificial hair to meet the requirement. It will hate on me if I choose to keep my virginity but also hate on me if I loose it. As a woman, I can probably never fully satisfy society requirements and it is the same case for a man. Doing everything society tells you to do is living a life that focuses on pleasing others but not yourself.

Another issue I’m concerned with is the fact that gender isn’t really appreciated. A boy wears, skinny jeans, he’s gay, he has a piercing it’s gay, he likes Justin Bieber or Glee and he’s not a real man. Statements that imply being gay is wrong in society and try to tell you how to behave and what to do. A patriarchal society which imposes behavioral norms on you. A religious society which will preach love and lack of judgment that will beat up, hate and even kill those who choose a certain sexual orientation.

I’ve taken more gender courses since last year and I’ve realized that I identify more with being an introvert than I do with being a woman or feminine. I remember in a particular class on communication the lecturer saying that women talk more and looked around to see if they were any awkward stares because I’m very quiet and I do very little talking… despite this long post. With being introverted no one has to impose behavioral norms on me.

Then at the end of the day I am a woman. I also identify strongly with being a woman and femininity and if I have to go on a definition that touches on ‘femininity’ or being a woman, it’s probably the one that has stuck in my head, which is “A real woman does what she wants to do”. I don’t have to ask men or older women how I am expected to behave as a woman. Everyone is different and should behave in a way that suits them if it is going to have a positive impact on you as an individual and those around you. Differences should be acknowledged and respected and not assumed and dismissed.

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Fear of Parents

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One of the things I’ve noticed among my age mates and I growing up is the relationship that they have with  parents. To some extent it looks like parents try to make their children fear them and most children grow up fearful of their parents(depending on cultural setting).

Above 20 years, where economic needs increase because of campus life, one thing that I’ve noticed is that even in desperate crucial times, most of my friends would rather borrow money from a friend and be in debt than from a parent.

It’s the same case in certain stressful situations like rape, or intimate partner abuse, having poor grades among other things. Where do most children or relatively young college students turn to? A sad reality is that they turn to Google or YouTube for advice or close friends as opposed to their guardians.

Even when they are sick they would rather suffer is silence than ask the parent to take them to hospital and if they do, they would turn to the ‘more soft parents’.

Parents are depicted as people to fear in my society which is a bad thing according to me. They should be respected but they should also be there emotionally for their children.

An important question however is, even if you have grown up fearful of your parents, will you take a different approach when it comes to raising your children? From a number of friends that I’ve asked, it pretty much seems that they’d take a similar approach to that of their parents.

All in all, I hope that the future the family foundation will be a strong one. If you don’t have family at home, you go to look for it at other places which at times are the wrong ones.

Thoughts

I have a habit of assuming that people in certain settings might follow certain rules in life especially in this day and era when so many opportunities are accessible to so many people… but not to everyone.

I’ve always assumed that people want to be independent but I learnt that not everybody wants that along time ago. I’ve always tried to accept everyone they way they are but one thing I was told some months back particularly caught my attention and has been bothering me for some time now. I don’t know why but I think about the statement or advice if that’s the right term on a daily basis.

Well I was with a female friend of mine and we start talking about what we want to do after we are done with university life. Well she asked me about where I wanted to live first and I answered that I actually wouldn’t mind anywhere that will be within my means when I get a job, my first job for that case.

She went ahead to stare at me awkwardly and said she won’t live in something less than a suburb. In my head I’m thinking, maybe she has someone that will give her a job immediately after she finishes school, a very well paying job in that case. So instead of keeping the question to myself, i asked how she’ll do that, maybe I could get some insight from it. Maybe it might make me want to have dream bigger than I already do.

Then she tells me the answer and I keep quiet. She says, well just date a rich man and open your legs for him, and when he builds you a nice house make a small contribution so that he never gets to kick you out. She later explains that she wants to enjoy her money and not on investments like building houses and buying cars.

I don’t know why it got to me so much but I told her that I want to try out  working hard and getting my own. This is probably because I’ve been surrounded by women who have dome that, and most of my female friends have pretty much told me they want to do the same with a lot of them already working on it.

A common thing with the two of us and other people I’ve spoken to is that none of us wants to be kicked out and left helpless whether we are relying on a partner / spouse or living with a partner / spouse in the near future. We want to have some sought of power, especially when you grow up in a society where it is common for some things to happen to women. You see women being thrown out with nothing and having to start from scratch or re-marry or at times stay in abusive and violence relationships because they lack financial power to make them leave.

On how you get where you want to be, all I can say is get to the end then justify the means.

For me, if it doesn’t feel right, I probably won’t go ahead with it. For mow it’s first things first so my priority is just finishing my diploma and my degree, and sticking to my philosophy. Well, I believe in struggle and working hard / smart but people also do get lucky, or people don’t always get what they want. Desperate times also call for desperate measures. Whatever will come my way, I’ll just have to wait and see.

 

hiding

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Hiding from the world

Hiding from your fears

Hiding from form your dreams

Hiding from love

Trying to run away from pain

Hiding from anyone

Who’s nearly breaking down your walls

No strength to face your fears

Pushing away every helping hand

Shutting down your emotions

Because all you are afraid of

Is getting negative consequences… again